In Search Of
June 1, 1997

I think it is safe to say that I have fully made the adjustment from college life to my normal life back at home. No longer am I up at four in the morning writing papers on the social impacts of Milton's Paradise Lost on the breeding habits of the dung beetle, but at work each day cutting pimento loaf for women old enough to have known John Milton personally. But it seems each time I go back to work there are less and less people working there, which means the more they need me to put in long hours. So thus I have not been able to accomplish much more over my summer break thus far than cutting enough roast beefs to feed Cleveland. But this Whack wasn't meant to be just me complaining about work, I'll save that for some other time. You see the other day I was on my break and I grabbed whatever section of the day's paper I could to read a little, and I ended up with the section with all the personal ads. I didn't have to read that many ads before I realized that there was more than enough material for a Whack in the personal ads. So thus that is the true topic of this week's Whack.

Ad 1: 1 SPF (Single Professional Female), N/S (Non-Smoker), petite, shapely, cute, singer & composer, world wide traveler. Into opera, beaches, dining out. ISO (In Search Of) WM (White Male), 50+ w/same interests.

Here's an example of you basic personal ad. The hardest thing to get used to is all the abbreviations and what not. I always get thrown off by the P for Professional. What's the purpose of putting that in there? Professional what? Is that really a necessary characteristic to include? I know I never went, "Well she's funny, she's smart, she's good looking, and she's got a great personality; but she's not professional so I guess I better forget about her." But moving on, what kind of adjective is "shapely" to describe yourself? Exactly what kind of shape? A rhombus? I don't know about you, but I would never want a girl shaped like a rhombus. Or how bout a octagon? Imagine that, a girl shaped like a stop sign. You don't even see shit like that on Ripley's Believe or Not. Anyhoo, I'm going to assume the "singer & composer" is what she is professional at. But what's the purpose of including "world wide traveler"? Once again, I don't think I ever went, "She's ugly, we have nothing in common, but she's been to Guam, so I'm going to give her a chance." One last thing about this ad, what exactly is meant by being into "beaches"? Does this person have some sort of obsession with sand? Personally I hate beaches. When I go down the shore I go for the ocean, the beach just sort of gets in the way. Sand gets into all your nooks and crannies, it's a mess. I'd prefer the ocean to flow into a field of grass, but unfortunately it doesn't happen that way.

Ad 2: 19, 5'6", 145#, mature-minded Italian Gemini SF. ISO childless SB (Black) M, 21-28 who enjoys dancing, clubbing, movies, rhythm & blues, club and house.

First of all, when dealing with personal ads you must remember that there is a two inch and fifteen pound margin of exaggeration. So in reality this girl is probably 5'4" and 160 pounds. Second of all, why the hell did she include her zodiac sign? What is this the 1970's? And I can she if she was old enough to remember when people use to actually ask each other their sign, but she's only nineteen years old. If this person is so "mature-minded" why would she actually think that someone would care what her freaking zodiac sign was? Also, was is necessary to request a man who is "childless"? Personally, if I was some guy with a kid, I wouldn't want him near this girl anyway. She would be a bad influence being that she lies about her weight and practices astrology and what not. Finally she wants a guy who enjoys "rhythm & blues". Well what if the guy enjoys rhythm, but doesn't really care for the blues? Or even vice versa? Does the guy have to enjoy both rhythm and blues, or can it be modified to rhythm and/or blues? It's an important question when your searching for your perfect mate.

Ad 3: 32, attr. SWF, fit, down-to-earth. Loves the humor of The Far Side. ISO SWM, late 20's to 30's with same interests.

I never liked the phrase "down-to-earth". What exactly does that mean, down-to-earth? The Earth is a floating garbage dump loaded with a whole lot of crazy people. It is not exactly something your should brag about being "down-to". But anyway, she is looking for a guy with the same interests as her, but the only interest that she lists is that she loves the humor of The Far Side. So thus according to this ad, this lady will be able to accept any guy between the ages of around 28 and thirty-something who likes The Far Side. Don't get me wrong, I love Gary Larson, but I can already see the line forming of thirty year old fat, balding geeks wearing Far Side shirts with some cow in a floral dress. Great crop of men you're seeking ma'am.

Ad 4: A wonderful person SWPF, 42. Seeks man who is smart, successful, confident about life, ethical and mature enough not to care about weight.

The only thing that has to be noted here is the last phrase: "mature enough not to care about weight." I would have to say that phrase alone puts the girl to at least three hundred pounds. You wouldn't need to put something like that if you're just a little on the hefty side. All signs point to serious obesity.

Ad 5: D (Divorced) WPF, 57, 5'7", winning smile, warm, attr., fit. Enjoys arts, music and travel. Seeking tall WW (Widowed) /DWPM, 55-65 with sense of humor. For LTR (Long Term Relationship).

What exactly makes a smile a "winning smile"? Was this lady actually in a smiling contest, and won? And technically, she could have been in a smiling contest, and won worst smile. It is still a winning smile, but not something you would like to see everyday. And nearly every other lady in the personal ads is looking for a tall man. What's up with that? How come you never see: SWF ISO short M, no taller than 5'6"? There is not anything wrong with short guys that you have to specifically request for someone who is tall. I might start taking these personals personally.

Ad 6: Exotic option. Kissing me is like another planet! I'm a multitude of sexy things, part angel, part indescribable conundrum. Seeks blond M.

Well I think a lot of this ad speaks for itself. But I don't think I would safe with a girl who is part indescribable conundrum. I don't know, it just sounds contagious to me. Also, what the deal with the "kissing me is like another planet" comment? What planet? Jupiter? Jupiter wouldn't be good since that means when you kiss her she has a lot of gas. I don't know, I just don't think it would be that pleasant to kiss a girl who has a lot of gas.

Well I could go on with like another fifty ads, but space and time prevents me from doing so. Thus I think it is time to break off the LTR with this Whack, so to conclude for this week, sand is annoying; beware of girls shaped like rhombuses; and my sign is Libra.

Now for this week's very special feature, Feff's top ten favorite abbreviations that would be found on his personal ad:

10. WH (Well Hung)

9. RM (Renaissance Man)

8. SFPL (Speaks Fluent Pig Latin)

7. LTCR (Listens To Corporate Rock)

6. IDNO (In Desperate Need Of)

5. N/H (Non-Hawaiian)

4. LF (Living Female)

3. REOF (REO Speedwagon Fan)

2. UILIIYAMOTTNG (Until I Lose Interest In You And Move On To The Next Girl)

1. NINA (No Irish Need Apply)