The Race For President
You are abruptly forced awake by the high-pitched squeals of your talking pig alarm clock. It's Tuesday morning, seven o'clock. Usually about now you would start getting ready for work, but you were fired yesterday, and now you're mad at yourself for forgetting to turn the alarm off last night. It wasn't your fault you were fired, you just thought 'This End Up' was merely a suggestion, as a dozen jars of pickles crashed to the floor of the supermarket. As you mull over how much you and your life sucks, the phone rings.
"Yellow?" You say as you pick up the phone.
"Yeah, sorry to bother you this early, this is your lawyer calling." The voice on the other side of the receiver responded.
"I have a lawyer?"
"You do now."
"Well I have some bad news, good news, and then some more bad news."
"Ok, go ahead."
"Well first of all, your Aunt Methyl died."
"Was that the good or bad news?"
"It was supposed to be the bad."
"Oh ok, how unfortunate.... What's the good news?"
"Well unbeknownst to her family, your Aunt Methyl won the lottery, invested her money wisely, and before she died was ranked eighth on the list of the richest people in the world."
"But there's more. Because she had no real family or friends, and since you were the last person related to her who talked to her, she has decided to leave you all of her money."
"Damn!! And think, the only reason I did talk to her was because I lost a bet."
"Well you are now a very rich man. But on to the other bad news..."
"What? Is it some corny Brewster's Millions-esque condition?"
"Good guess, you see Methyl had a provision in her will that if she died during a leap year, then whoever got her money would have to use all of it to run for president of the United States. And that, my friend, means you."
"Oh well, I was gonna have to start looking for a job today anyway. You want to be my campaign manager?"
"Cool, what do I do first?"
"I don't know. Are you going to run as a Democrat or Republican?"
If you decide to run as a Republican,
If you decide to run as a Democrat,